Nov. 18th, 2003

Nov. 18th 2003

Your Grand Master of Funk, and World Domination is back... and he's bad! Ok, so I'm not bad. Messa Good. Let's Kick the news "into gear" Latino Style!

Side note... Latino Style is very similar to the regular News Update Style.

I have two things I'd like to discuss... the first is:

WHY DO MY PAPER AIRPLANES ALWAYS FLY UPSIDE DOWN

No matter how well I follow the directions, and no matter how long I spend crafting the airplanes... my fricken planes always fly upside down!

Is there something wrong with me? Did I do somethng wrong to be punished? Does God hate me? That's it, isn't it! GOD HATES ME!

Ehhhh... well, I guess I had it comin'.

WHY DO OLD LADIES LIKE BEER?

Old Ladies love beer! Why is that? Go ask an old lady if she would like a beer, or what her favorite beer is. Go on... ask one. I'll wait.

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...

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See! What did I tell you! Whenever the topic of beer comes up, and an elderly woman is nearby, she'll go into a 10 Minute story about how she loves a nice cold beer at the end of the day.

But, I guess they've earned it.

Later,

Shaun!

Nov. 3rd 2003

I hope everyone had a good Halloween, and that everyone out there is getting ready for the holiday season. I'd like to tell you all a little bit about my Halloween.

It was awesome! I got to wear two different Halloween costumes. The first was for work, where I dressed as the killer from Scream (I know... very original!), but for Halloween I was Count Dooku.

This year we stuck to the regular Halloween formula.

Step 1: Go to Haunted House - This year they had a pretty good Haunted house nearby. It's wasn't too original, or scary... but it was long! Thats the most important part of a haunted house. Cause there is nothing worse then to pay $7 and walk through the house in 5 Minutes.

Step 2: Trick Or Treating - Yeah, I know... every year we have to go through the whole "aren't you kids a little old for trick or treating" routine. Which leads to the "SHUT UP YOU OLD HOLE, AND FILL MY BAG WITH CANDY BEFORE I SLIT YOUR GUT!" routine.

Step 3: Go to Someone's House for Halloween Party - This part can go either way. You can either end up at someones house and play a bunch of fun games and have a good old time... OR End up in the basement of some dude's house, watching Akira. All I can say about this year is that... well... Akira isn't all that bad.

Step 4: One Couple Gets Into A Fight, The Guy Leaves, and the Girl Cries the Rest of the Night. - This is by far my favorite time of the evening. Just because you never know which couple it's going to be - You just hope it doesn't involve you!

Step 5: Escape the Clutches of the Evil Akira! - Time to make up lame excuses! "Oh, gosh... I just remembered that I have a conference call in the morning (on saturday...). I actually used this one 3 years in a row!

Step 6: Go From One Lame Place, to Another - So you've escaped Akira, and now IT'S TIME TO GO TO... Shari's!

Step 7: Over Stay Your Welcome At Shari's - Pretty soon even the nicest waitress' get tired of me.

Step 8: It's 4am... How Come You're Not Naked With a Girl Hopping Up and Down on Your Genitals - See Steps 1-7.

Later,

Shaun!

Oct. 19th 2003

So, where we are... a little over a month later... and Josh is now a daddy... and I don't just mean in the sense that we call him Daddy Scats. Nope... And since I think he'll want to get away from the Gansta' Image that he had with the Shire Crew, I'd like to suggest a new Rap Name for our friend Josh.

P. Scatty!

It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

In other news. I got a DVD burner, and I'm spending all my time watching old Video tapes to see what I put on DVD so that future generations will be able to enjoy such classics as, "MacBeth Project for Mrs. Stone's Class," "The Trip Down Sprague To See The Hookers", "The Crystal Smith German Final Project", "1996 Pumpkin Carving" and of course the 1994 Independent Spirit Award Winner - "The Video Of Shaun and Nick Faust Playing Basketball."

ANYWAYS...

Halloween is coming up soon, and I don't know if I will be able to update before then, so Happy Halloween everyone! Make sure to trick, and or treat this year...

And if you don't...

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Um... Dracula will come bite you on the neck!

Later,

Shaun!

Sept. 17th, 2003

It's your Uncle Shaun, back to update you on all the exciting things going on in the world.

Ok... so not a whole lot is going on in the world right now.. sorry. So, instead - I'm going to do something a little different with the news update... I'm calling this section, "TOP TEN THINGS NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT SHAUN." I hope this list helps show a different side of myself to the world... so, here we go!

10. Back when Gremlins first came out, I had a huge crush on Phoebe Cates!

9. I don't like to acknowledge my accomplishments, and I dislike praise.

8. I'm obsessed with the lives of Howard Hughs, and Willaim Randolph Hearst.

7. When I'm in a relationship, I get really mad if some girl seriously flirts with me.

6. I don't particularly like Blow Jobs.

5. I haven't eaten a hamburger since February 10th, 1998.

4. I once broke up with a girl because of the George of the Jungle Movie.

3. I cried really hard while reading the end of "The Green Mile", and whenever I think of the last line in the book, I get choked up.

2. When I was 17, I told a 22 year old girl who was in the Airforce, that I was 23 years old. She invited me out to the Air Force Base, and we made out in the barracks!

1. My Favorite Star Wars movie is "The Phantom Menace."

Later,

Shaun!

August 17th, 2003

Hello kiddies!

I'm hear to talk about a very important movie.

FREDDY VS. JASON

This is the most long awaited movie in the history of Cinema! Honestly, can you think of any other movie thats been longer in the making?

Sure, there was a 16 year wait for a new Star Wars movie... BUT, People have been talking about Freddy Vs. Jason since Nightmare 3 came out (probably even longer), which means there was a 18 year wait for this movie!

So, how was it?

In one word, PERFECT!

Freddy Vs. Jason is by far the most satisfying movie you'll see this whole summer. So far I've been pretty disappointed with all the big releases this year (I've yet to see Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life - I'm hearing good things about that little adventure of a movie).

Lets run down a list of ways that this movie could have really sucked!

1. Other drafts of the script were very comical! In one draft, there was a "funny" boxing climax where Freddy fought Jason with giant boxing gloves.

2. In another draft, it was written to incorperate the storylines from the last few movies of each Franchise. And while It would be great to see the characters from Elm Street 4 and 5 come back... does anyone really remember the characters from Jason Goes To Hell? Cause they were in it!

3. One draft had some mystical force that was setting Freddy against Jason. Oh, and it also brought Jack the Ripper into the fight! Cause uh.... that would be cool!

4. Yet another draft had Jason becoming human, and falling in love with Heather Graham, only to have their love challenged by the Springwood slasher. It would have been a HOT, EROTIC EPIC!

Ok, that last one was made up... but you guys know how I love my HOT, EROTIC EPICS - They don't call me "Showgirls Shaun" for nothing! Or at least they didn't until a little mishap in Vegas... but that's for another News Update!

Later,

Shaun!

What is wrong with Breakfast cereals today?

Remember as a kid your mom would take you to the store, and she always bought the normal cereals like Rasin Bran, and Corn Flakes, and you always at least got one of your favorite cereals. The ones that were so bad for you.

And how your mom always used to say, "oh that's nothing but sugar!"

Still, if you look at the junk cereals' from our days, Lucky Charms, Sugar Crisp, Fruit Loops, and Capt'n Crunch - they still had some element of wholesomeness to them. There was marshmellows and stuff... but they still had... you know... Hearty Grains!

Look at the crap they serve now...

Fruit Loops with Marshmellows! - What evil dentist created this garbage? I've never been a big Fruit Loops fan, but come on... FRUIT - AND - MARSHMELLOWS?

Am I the only one who notices that there is something really wrong with that idea?

Oh, and as if Frutti Pebbles wasn't gross enough. They have Frutti Pebbles, and marshmellows! What's next, Wheaties with Marshmellows?

The only fun thing about Frutti Pebbles is how you have to eat it super quick, or the little pieces of cereal become these slimy little slugs, and if you let them dry, and stick to your cereal bowl for 5 years!

They have new Disney Cereals out on the market... As if Disney felt that Fred Flintstone was somehow beating them to a prosperous market share in the cereal business.

The Disney cereals are without a doubt the most horrible things on the planet! They have Lion King cereal that is nothing but Chocolate Puffs, and Marshmellows. Then they have a Pooh cereal that is honey flavored puffs, and marshmellows.

All I have to say is, "WHERE IS MY EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE CEREAL DISNEY! HUH!? HUH?! HUH!?

WHERE IS THE RESCURER'S DOWN UNDER CEREAL WITH THE MARSHMELLOW "TOKEN AUSSIE GUY" TREATS!

WHERES MY TREASURE PLANET/ATLANTIS CEREAL WITH THE "FIND OUR MOVIES ON THE BOX OFFICE CHARTS MAZE" ON THE BACK OF THE BOX!

Maybe I'm just old Fashion, but if I ran the cereal world, I would bring back Sugar Chrisp, and let that Bear open up a can of "Super Golden Crisp" on those cereal executives.

Don't even get me started on how they don't put toys in the boxes anymore....

Later,

Shaun!

April 13th, 2003

April Showers

Bring May Flowers.

And you know what Mayflowers Bring?

PILGRIMS!

I'd like to thank Danny Caveny for that one!

But there are a few other things that I need to thank Danny for. And one of those is Carnival rides. Danny was my first friend who wasn't afraid of going on the big rides. For years I went to the local carnival with friends, but none of them would go on the "scary" rides. Danny wasn't afraid!

There's a moment in my life that I just can't help thinking of whenever I go to the carnival. Let me take you back to the summer of 1988.

The local carnival had come to town, and was set up in the parking lot of the grocery store. "Fresh Produce, and Carmel Apples!" Thats what we always used to say.... wait... we didn't say that. We always used to say, "He be rippin." Don't ask why we used to say that... it's a long story.

I remember one summer evening after we had spent all day at the carnival, it was just getting dark. Danny and I were eating carmel apples, and waiting to get on the Gravatron. The carnival smell was in the air, and I was holding a poster in my hand that I had won at the dart throwing booth. It was a poster of some random super model. Danny had won a poster of Alyssa Milano. The music from the Gravatron was blaring "Rock On" - the recent hit from the movie "Dream a Little Dream."

I stopped for a moment and said to myself... "It just doesn't get any better then this..."

And I was right... It never got any better.

Later,

Shaun!